Is there a Beyond, Beyond Beyond?
Not the most original of questions, but I get asked “Why do we do it?’ so many times. Well, I’m going to try and answer perhaps a part of that question. A big or small part, that’s your personal choice. But for me, with my recent experience, it’s a big part. The inspiration came from a fellow competitor’s flippant remark which became my light, my guide, my mantra. Halfway up a critical 850 metre climb, vision blurred, dust stifling my breathe, stones morphing into ancient faces - I was in the right place. Second night out, no sleep, on target, apparently still focussed, but lost. I’m doing this.
I decided to converse.
“Hey what’s beyond this?” I spluttered. The answer came succinctly back. Little did he know what future effect his reply would have – it was a good one. And then it came. Just one simple 2 syllable word, “Beyond”.
It was the perfect distraction I needed to get me through whatever the next stumbling block was. When pushing yourself further than you have ever pushed before, you never know what the outcome will be. You are now freefalling way way out of your comfort zone.
Reflecting on my race plan I had a clear strategy. The goal was to complete. I was committed. There can be no deviation from this: doubts crumble plans. I had visualised countless outcomes while drifting off to sleep prior to race day. So I set out my stall. Walk with purpose, poles are your turbo, disciplined aid station visits, keep focussed, own your race, ignore gadgets, be present, be grateful.
I align an ultra-race to a Scalextric track – you have a clear path but get derailed multiple times. You have to a find a solution and get back on that track. Chasing cut offs there was no plan to sleep. It was going to be a two-night session.
Going into the second night leaving Champex-Lac I got seriously derailed. It was meant to be a celebration. I had been told 90% of athletes finish if they leave this aid station. Far from it. No support and struggling with the language barrier I felt alone. I lost my short sight. I was sure I could see fine last night. Was it my torch, my glasses or worse my body shutting down? I just couldn’t focus on the ground, see my feet.
Well, this was a new ‘thing’. I had 4 hours to daylight, no expendable time and a zillion roots and rocks to overcome. Should I go back? I mean they could help but then I could be pulled from the race. No deviation from the plan. Find a solution. Runners passed me. Travelling on a wide stony track I couldn’t recognise the trodden path. Then I saw some hope. To the left in the distance was a car parked with a softly dimmed interior light on. Supporters ready to give me a boost. A ‘Courage’, a ‘Bravo’, a cow bell ring. There was a friendly face leaning out the window. Was it a child? Coming out of my bubble I tried to focus to engage. The vision drifted away into a worn crippled log resting on the forest floor.
I’ve been here before. Where a stunning home vista with warm inviting lights, red sofas and outdoor staircase leading down to the garden turned into a disappointing dilapidated barn. So, no surprises. In fact, as the race tapered to the end, connecting to the earth, I fashioned T-rex heads out of boulders, gorilla faces in stones and saw imaginary roof tops through the trees, wishing for the peak which deceptively never came.
This ‘beyond’ I now have labelled it, had complex layers to unfold. A mild panic attack manifested. Imposter syndrome, guilt of missing family time, fitness and injury fears. A pivotal moment in my journey. But you get to decide. The exam is spread out in front of you. Can you pass? Are you set to fail? Have you studied enough? You will get found out.
What becomes of the mindset, is being at peace with what comes next. The next test, barrier or hurdle. Acceptance. Locked into a slow pace, almost a trundle if I dared, I was able to spend more time in this ‘beyond space’. Experience it, digest it, question it and move on. Small wins help. Finishing a gel after dry retching, a bite of a snickers bar, Italian pasta in the sun, a quick massage, a fleeting conversation.
My solution to my vision problem? A questionable 9-minute trail sleep or perhaps a pause before FOMO kicked in and on my way I trundled, forcing in another gel.
A great thing was achieved. We need to do great things. Find your beyond and keep reaching.
I completed the HOKA UTMB® Mont Blanc 2024 in 45 hours 19 mins. Cut of 46 hours 30 mins.
In the beyond - UTMB 2024
